Английский для Супер Занятых

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#английскийсюмором
RETIRED HUSBAND — Walmart Incident Report

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women — she loves to browse.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15 — Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly placed them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2 — Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7 — Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19 — Walked up to an employee and said in an official tone: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her station, get written up, and file a union grievance.
5. August 4 — Tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway at the Service Desk.
6. August 14 — Moved a “CAUTION — WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15 — Set up a tent in the camping department and told children he’d invite them in if they brought pillows and blankets from Bedding. Twenty children obliged.
8. August 23 — When a clerk asked if he needed help, he cried out: “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?!” EMTs were called.
9. September 4 — Looked into the security camera and used it as a mirror while picking his nose.
10. September 10 — While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3 — Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
12. October 6 — In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18 — Hid inside a clothing rack and yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!” when people browsed through.
14. October 22 — When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, curled into a fetal position and screamed: “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
15. October 23 (morning) — Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
16. October 23 (afternoon) — Entered a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled: “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!” One clerk passed out.

📝 Language Takeaways
• insisted that I accompany — subjunctive, formal request/requirement
• get in and get out — idiom: do something quickly, without wasting time
• to browse — to look around casually, without buying immediately
• cause a commotion — create noise, trouble, or confusion
• randomly placed — put without order or reason
• to go off (alarm) — to start ringing or making noise
• a trail of — a line or path left behind
• official tone / get written up / union grievance — workplace/HR vocabulary
• on layaway — American system of paying for goods in installments
• obliged — formal word for “agreed” or “did what was asked”
• leave me alone — everyday emotional phrase
• pick one’s nose — informal but common expression
• dart around — move quickly and unpredictably
• fetal position — curled up like a baby
• fitting room — where you try on clothes; the misunderstanding is the joke
• passed out — informal synonym for fainted

📌 Task: Retell 2–3 of the incidents in your own words. Try using cause a commotion, dart around, and passed out. Or invent your own “Walmart Incident” with this vocabulary.

#юморнаанглийском #английскийC1

@language_busy_learners

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